Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
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[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off