@LoveNLunchmeat: Santa is basically a fat man who doesn't understand how robbery is supposed to work.
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@noogscorner: The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What's your point?
@PunLovinLad: The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died His family are taking it really hard
@Try2StopME: Friend: "Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married." ME: "Wow! when?" Friend: "Me on 27th April and she on 14th June."
@ShortSleeveSuit: [at a store] Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses? *sunglasses loudly arguing about politics* Clerk: Well, they're polarized