Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
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We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
Meme Monday.
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step