Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
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My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
This guy’s not having it 😆
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’