Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
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Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell