*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
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[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
what
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA