Well, that didn’t work.
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I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.