Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
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Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
All is fair in drunk and war.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.