Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
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Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]