Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
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They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
when you order from DoorDastardly
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
i did the math
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk