friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
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If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.