School be like
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CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around