[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
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“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
Happy thanksgiving!
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013