Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
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1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
she has a point
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.