Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
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7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
My diet starts in January
of 2027
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem