Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
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I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.