Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
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The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.