Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
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COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
I think they could have phrased this better
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”