Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
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Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle