*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
You Might Also Like
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
Ken is short for chicken
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’