@AnkCoupleTO: [Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
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@stephenjmolloy: Genie: "You have three wishes." Me: "I wish for a burrito with guacamole." Genie: "Okay but the guac counts as your second wish."
@millercycle: just heard a 19-year-old talk about how 'exhausted' they were please send bail money
@TimmySeiler: Waitress says "Say when" when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
@Marlebean: Kid: What's this? Me: A napkin holder K: What's a napkin? M: You wipe your hands on it when they're dirty K: You mean like the couch? M: ...