[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
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Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
I gave up going to work for lent.
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
Watson was Holmes schooled
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*