Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
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I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out