I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
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My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
Thursday
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair