Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
You Might Also Like
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
Delightful if true: booby trap.
Pigeon open mic night.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
they should invent a hydrating liquor
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.