Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
You Might Also Like
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
as is their right
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?