Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
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I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
Based Erika
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
What a website
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.