Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
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The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds