I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
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“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.