Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
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You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?