Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
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I hope your spoon slides into your soup
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.