Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
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The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
God, I love Scotland
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.