Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
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Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.