Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
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instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
Merica.
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
my dad has had enough
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.