Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
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MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
What?
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.