SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
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Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
Social distancing in Australia:
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.