Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
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It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
pictures of spider-man
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
Taking phone security to the next level.
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”