satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
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When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
Iâve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wifeâs shoes when sheâs not home
How can a pair of menâs swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
War & Peace
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
Awwwwww he is confused! â¤ď¸đ¤Łđ¤Ł
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why youâll see them later.
Does beer think about me too?
Yo. I spit out my drink đ
whatâs a good synonym for âexperiencedâ to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried âjadedâ and apparently thatâs not what employers are looking for
who knew parenting would entail saying âpick that up off the floorâ followed by âand donât put it in your mouthâ so often
Normalize never cutting our kidsâ food into âfunâ shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down Iâd be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later youâre welcome
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and â
Me: *already asleep*