Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
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these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
haha same
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
They got a point!
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
God, I love Scotland
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.