Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
You Might Also Like
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.