Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
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PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now