@Lisabug74: Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
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@djdarrellripley: Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn't spill a drop. Him: Well, how'd you do that? Me: I kept my mouth shut..
@SortaBad: *looks at selfie* "Hmmm I need more flattering lighting" *tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine* "ahhh much better"
@flouncingqueen: [airplane nose dives] *turns to kid behind 'Could you please stop kicking my seat!'