Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
You Might Also Like
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.