SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
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I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
#titanic
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.