SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
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Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.