[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
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Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
I came this close!!!!
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
We need to put an American base on the sun
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away