[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
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[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
men are simple creatures
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.