Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
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Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
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Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS