I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
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Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.