@shadygeekdad: Saturday night, time to get crazy! *shuffles Uno cards*
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@girl_a_whirl: Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you? Me: Pete, purse! *Pete pees on Louis Vuitton Me: I'll take it for 50% off
@QwertyJones3: The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it's true... time wounds all heels.
@Shock_Monster: If I were God, I'd totally be cool with you using my name in vain. Feel free to say, "Oh John" next time you're cumming ladies.