the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
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Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
The three genders
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
I’m having an out of money experience.
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.