I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
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Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
Saw your ex at the shops