[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
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[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started