My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
You Might Also Like
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.